For if you forgive others their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins], your heavenly Father will also forgive you. – Matthew 6:14
I can remember a time when I was incredibly frustrated with all of life. Politics weren’t going the way I wanted them to. Work was exhausting. Every little inconvenience angered me. And so, I decided to have a Christian temper tantrum by fasting for a month – essentially a hunger strike against God. My prayers were: “I am angry; either change the world or change me, but I’m not going to stop until you do something.” The funny thing about God is that whenever you decide to take Him to the mat and yell and scream at Him, He tends to work on what you want changed quietly, while redirecting your focus to what He wants changed. For me that was bitterness.
I always thought that I was a forgiving person because I would never lash out in anger at people. In fact, I was told at one job that I was the easiest person to work with because I never got angry. But, not getting angry is not forgiveness. Even though I wouldn’t lash out or say anything hurtful, when alone I would become increasingly angry and get into imaginary arguments with whoever I got mad at. I was bottling, not forgiving, and God called me out. So, I started working on forgiving.
Forgiveness has been a long journey between me and God because I still have the habit of bottling, not forgiving, and I didn’t know where to start. Thankfully, with the All-Powerful, All-Knowing, Creator God of the Universe on your side, He’ll give you a push in the right direction. For me, I just had to say “I forgive you, X” whenever I would find myself in those arguments. Still, that phrase was incredibly difficult for me to say because I just didn’t want to. “What that person did to me really hurt me, and I’m upset. And they didn’t even apologize for it! I can’t just forgive them.” It was in these moments that I had to remind myself of a childhood lesson that I am going to reiterate: JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE FORGIVEN THEM DOESN’T MEAN THEY DIDN’T HURT YOU.
Forgiveness does not excuse others from their actions. Forgiveness excuses you from God’s wrath. Saying “I forgive you” does not mean ‘what you did wasn’t actually that bad,’ it means ‘you really hurt me, and I need to heal from it. But despite how much you have hurt me, I will not hold you hostage in my mind, I will not be your judge – God will be.’ Which when you stop to think about it, is far more terrifying. God is merciful, but He is also just. He showed us mercy by pouring out the justice we deserved on His son. It’s that perfectly merciful, perfectly just individual we are leaving the person that wronged us to.
However, when we refuse to forgive, and instead focus on the person or the situation that caused us pain, we are poisoning ourselves. First, we are harboring anger against someone who we may see every day, and in the long run, it’s like sand in gears slowly eroding a surface until it can’t function and breaks – sometimes irreparably. Second, it takes away from the happiness we have apart from the individual because our free time, when we could be relaxing, being productive, or praising and thanking our Lord, is being used to further our anger against someone else. Third, it takes away the happiness of those that know you. People who really love you can tell when you’re meditating on past pain. For those that truly love you, it hurts them seeing you hurt. Fourth, and most importantly, it is unbiblical. Consider the story of the debtor in Matthew:
“For this reason, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his slaves. As he began settling his accounts, a man who owed 10,000 talents was brought to him. Because he was not able to repay it, the lord ordered him to be sold, along with his wife, children, and whatever he possessed, and repayment to be made. Then the slave threw himself to the ground before him, saying, ‘Be patient with me, and I will repay you everything.’ The lord had compassion on that slave and released him and forgave him the debt. After he went out, that same slave found one of his fellow slaves who owed him 100 silver coins. So he grabbed him by the throat and started to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ Then his fellow slave threw himself down and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will repay you.’ But he refused. Instead, he went out and threw him in prison until he repaid the debt. When his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were very upset and went and told their lord everything that had taken place. Then his lord called the first slave and said to him, ‘Evil slave! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me! Should you not have shown mercy to your fellow slave, just as I showed it to you?’ And in anger his lord turned him over to the prison guards to torture him until he repaid all he owed. So also my heavenly Father will do to you, if each of you does not forgive your brother from your heart.
— Matthew 18:23-35
We have been forgiven of much, but then we can’t forgive somebody else of little. Since we cannot forgive somebody else of little, then the Lord shall not forgive us of much. Therefore, let us develop a habit of forgiving others instantly, thus never opening the door for offense or letting bitterness take root so that we may go boldly before the King of Glory without guilt and be welcomed in His loving arms where grace abounds.
Create for me a pure heart, O God. Renew a resolute spirit within me. Do not reject me. Do not take your holy Spirit away from me. Let me again experience the joy of your deliverance.
Sustain me by giving me the desire to obey. – Psalms 51:10-12